Valentines Day Joke
by Hathor Quinn
Summary: Jack's Having a bad day... Daniel, Sam and Teal'c plan to make it worse...
1. Sam & Daniel have a Plan

The Valentines Day Joke.  
  
It was a sunny day in Colorado Springs and the ever so infatuated Colonel awoke with a start, it had been the third night in a row he had the same dream about himself and his 2IC. He turned to look at his clock.*crap* he thought, he was an hour late from work, he jumped out of bed, and raced to find his uniform, scattering his shirts, trousers, socks and other intimidating clothing over his floor, eventually he found his uniform neatly folded on his chest of drawers *Why do I never looks there* he thought to himself. He forced his pyjamas off and rushed to put on his uniform, he went past his kitchen, picked up a banana, his mobile and headed for the door, slammed it open, picked up his keys from the side, ran through the door to his car.then having to run back to close his door, finally got into his car and started off to work.  
  
He drove along, somewhat disobeying the speed limit whilst the radio rather ironically played "Samantha" by Madness. He quickly changed the station as soon as the Chorus came on. "Well today's the 14th of February which spells Valentines Day! Now here's a song for all you have someone to love.and I hope you enjoy the romance of today." the radio started to play "My heart will go on" by Celine Dion. *Oh for cryin' out loud* Jack thought, he decided to turn off the radio altogether. *Great.Valentine's Day.the girls on base are gunna have a field day.* he pulled up to the gate of Cheyenne Mountain, showed the airman his ID, and drove into the car park, swiftly got out of his car, rushed through the ID checks and ran to the elevator.he only just got on after a while he wished he didn't, there in the elevator with him, was a bunch of giggly girls debating who had the better boyfriend/fiancée/husband. As soon as the elevator stopped at level 16 he quickly left and ran to the second elevator, which carries down to Level 28. Fortunately the girls didn't arrive in time to catch it on its way down so Jack was alone...  
  
Level 23, the elevator stopped and Dr. Janet Fraiser came into the elevator.  
  
"Hey Doc.how are you?" he asked.trying to hide the fact he'd just came in. He looked at her and saw she was frustrated, *uh oh* he thought, *what have I done now? * She forced a smile on her face.  
  
"I'm fine Colonel, but I presume you are aware that you didn't turn up for your check up yesterday." She tilted her head to the side.*jesh for a small woman she can intimidate easily*  
  
"Sorry Doc I forgot." he shrugged his shoulders and tried to look innocent.what he really did was doze whilst writing his report from his last mission.  
  
"Colonel.I'm one step ahead of you this time.I've already spoken to Dr. Jackson, Sam, Teal'c and General Hammond so you can't say you were with them." The elevator stopped at level 28  
  
"Love to stay and chat doc.but this is my stop.catch you later."  
  
"If I don't see you before 1600 you're gunna catch more than just me." She shouted after him. As soon as he was out of sight she shock her head and walked out of the elevator after him.  
  
**************************************************  
  
"Where is Colonel O'Neill." General Hammond asked Jack's team. they sat, looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.apart from Teal'c who did the usual routine of raising his eyebrows.  
  
"I do not know GeneralHammond.Perhaps his journey here was delayed by an accident of some kind."  
  
"Hey kids sorry I'm late.my alarm clock didn't go off and I slept in." he stood behind his chair. "General."  
  
"That's the third time this week, I'm gunna have to send someone over to your house to wake you up, you delayed your own mission yesterday as well as others."  
  
"Sorry Sir.It won't happen again.but does someone seriously have to stay at my house."  
  
"Just for tonight Jack, we're having a visit from the Tok'ra and the Tollan tomorrow and you need to be here bright and early, wide awake and dressed in an appropriate manner." His 2IC, the archaeologist and started giggling.Jack looked at himself.his t-shirt was on inside out, not tucked in and his trousers were on the wrong way round.  
  
"Sorry Sir" he said in embarrassment.  
  
"Colonel go get yourself properly dressed.this briefings rescheduled for 1300, dismissed." At that he looked towards the stairs and Fraiser walked in, and walked towards the General's office.  
  
"Maybe I should check you out sooner than I thought." She spoke through giggles. "1400 Colonel.or else." She walked into the General's office and the door was shut behind her. Jack quickly replaced his jacket, smiled at his team and ran out to the locker room. Sam and Daniel started to laugh; they had never seen him so embarrassed, they looked at Teal'c who sat silently; he pushed out his chair, stood up and followed the others out of the briefing room.  
  
"Maybe we should visit him outside the locker room" suggested Sam, still smiling at the fact that the Colonel's trousers where back to front and showing his underwear.  
  
"That would be unwise MajorCarter.I believe O'Neill is humiliated and wishes not to discuss this matter."  
  
"C'mon Teal'c it'll be fun.anyway, he'll forgive us." Daniel said, looking at the locker room door, plainly seeing that the occupant has locked the door. Sam and Daniel sneaked to the door followed by the Jaffa, and silently waited until they heard the lock click.the Colonel opened the door and the sight of his team standing at the door gave him a fright. They humans laughed and Teal'c smiled.  
  
"You were right DanielJackson.this is an amusing experience." Looking at Jack the whole time.  
  
"Yeh very funny." he said sarcastically then turned to look at Sam and Daniel who were still laughing "Don't you two have anything better to do" he pushed passed Daniel and marched off to his office.  
  
The three walked to the elevator still talking about the Colonel.  
  
"Hey Daniel.It's Valentines Day isn't it.I've just thought of a brilliant practical joke." They walked into the elevator and Sam told them her plan. 


	2. The Plan Get Underway

Sam and Daniel sat in Daniel's office.  
  
"Ok, here's some paper we'll just draft it for now and we'll write it up later." Daniel said.he looked up at Sam for some idea's.she thought for a few moments.  
  
"I got some" she snatched the paper from his hand and started writing, Daniel peered over her arm and laughed at what she was writing.he looked up at Sam who had her tongue stuck out as if she was concentrating whilst having a huge grin on her face.after a good 5 minutes of writing she put the pen down and looked at it."There you go.a masterpiece." She smiled and looked over at Daniel.  
  
"Yeh.umm.that's definitely.umm.graphic." Daniel spoke.quite surprised that his friend Samantha Carter could be so mean.  
  
"You think he's gunna like it?"  
  
"I think its gunna give him the greatest scare of his life."  
  
A few hours later Sam walked into the locker room, made sure no-one saw her go in there, she walked over to Jack's locker, picked the lock and placed the note inside...she also hid a very small surveillance camera so she could film his reaction when he read the note.she quickly shut the locker and walked back to Daniel's Office.where the camera was transmitting to.  
  
She sat next to Daniel and smiled, they flicked on the TV and found the frequency.meanwhile as they were waiting for the unsuspecting Colonel to find his gift they worked on some projects.Sam was writing up her report on the new Naquadah Reactor that they've been improving whilst Daniel was cataloguing some artefacts found on a planet which SG3 where searching.  
  
"Hello, hello, hello." Jack walked into the room, Sam quickly turned off the TV. "Watch' a watching?"  
  
"A Science Programme, it won't interest you Sir.anyway it just finished." She looked back at the monitor and started to type.  
  
"Watch 'a Writing?"  
  
"My report for P2A-382 Sir." She looked at him and carried on typing.  
  
"In Daniel's office?"  
  
"Well he's helping me remember.key details."  
  
"oh.Danny" he walked over to Daniel and put his hand on Daniels shoulder" "Watch 'a up to?"  
  
"Well, I'm cataloguing artefacts from SG3's mission to P6X-913.also helping Sam out with uh.Key details."  
  
"Right" the dense Colonel sensed that something was going on.so he just smiled in confusion. "Anyway.as I'm sure your both aware its Valentines day today.got anything planned?"  
  
"No not really.unless you count sitting in front of TV with a box of Ice Cream then." Sam said sarcastically.  
  
"K.figures" Sam looked up and stared at the Colonel  
  
".What about u Daniel?"  
  
"Nothing really.I was hoping to finish cataloguing these before tomorrow so."  
  
"mm.well anyway, I was thinking that Teal'c needs to get into human culture a bit more.I was thinking that us lot would go out.you know.a team date type thing."  
  
"Oh I really better not.there are so many of these to catalogue so.I probably won't leave till around um.tomorrow so."  
  
"I'd rather not Sir.when I said sitting in front of the TV.Cassie's kinda got a date so Janet's been kicked outa the house for the evening."  
  
"Ok.fine.It'll be just me and Teal'c then." he thought for a moment "mm.maybe not.anyway.I better go.I've also got a report to write." Jack got cut off by the phone ringing.Daniel ran over, and picked It up.  
  
"Hello.oh hey Janet." Jack stared at him realised why she was phoning and indicated that he didn't want Janet to know he was there. "Jack.mm.no I haven't seen him.yes if I do I'll tell him he's an hour late for his check- up." he grinned at Jack "so he's in trouble then huh.you're gunna sedate him.and keep him in ALL week!!.poor jack" at this Jack ran off. "I think he's on his way Janet.oh by the way can you cover for Sam.say you're going round her house tonight cuz Cass has a boyfriend and she doesn't want you around.Cheers.we'll fill you in later ok.Yeh.bye.one more thing.make sure he goes to his locker.I don't know anything.spill something down his shirt for all I care just make sure he's there.thanks.Yeh bye."  
  
"This is gunna be good" Sam said as she turned on the TV.  
  
"We have movement here Daniel" Daniel immediately put down what he was doing and stood next to Sam as she turned up the volume.the locker opened.Janet certainly made sure he had to go.his shirt was soaked.Daniel and Sam looked at each other then stared at the TV.and as per usual Jack was talking to himself.  
  
"Kept in for the whole week.typical Daniel.I'll get him.hey what's this." He picked up the letter Sam and Daniel looked at each other and swiftly turned to the TV so they didn't miss anything.Sam pressed record. Teal'c stood at the doorway.  
  
"What are you doing MajorCarter?"  
  
"Were witnessing our plan.Wanna watch?" Teal'c stood for a moment.fully aware what the plan was and joined them in front of the TV.Jack disappeared for a moment.but they could hear the door locking.he was alone  
  
"My Dear Sexy Colonel." he looked around again.to presumably see if he was alone whilst reading this. "I have watched you for some time now.and I have decided you are the man for me." he put the letter down.thought for a moment and picked it up again.the rest of SG1 sat in Daniel's office and watched and giggled.they could see that Jack was confused. "It took me ages to think of how to write this.but.if you meet me tonight the time and effort it used will be worthwhile.I wish for you to make wild passionate love with me.and that's not all.I wish to make you feel the most pleasure anyone from the SGC has ever experienced all at once, I wish to quickly rid you of your uniform.spread melted chocolate all over your naked body.and lick it off.I want to massage your long.dominant manhood.until you literally explode." Jack literally threw down the letter.shock had over powered him.and all the other three could do is sit, watch and laugh. Jack quickly regained his nerve and picked up the letter.and began reading it again "I want to make you happy.I want you to come home from every mission and experience the love within me.I know that we will be good together.all you need to do is give me a chance.tonight I will give you everything you desire in a woman.but I also wish some pleasure for myself.not that your company isn't pleasure enough.I wish you to delicately peel off my layers of clothes until there is none left.I wish you to do whatever you want to with my body.and don't worry Colonel.I like rough contact." he shook his head, put the letter down and put his hands through his hair. "Jesh.who makes up this crap." he picked up the letter and carried on at this point Sam was in hysterics.Daniel was trying ever so hard to keep himself composed whilst Teal'c stood with an eyebrow raised somewhat disturbed by what Sam had written. "Seeing as though its Valentines day I'm gunna use tonight as a trial.if you enjoy it.we'll do it again.don't worry Colonel.I won't tell.meet me outside O'Malley's at 2100.and I'll give you a night to remember.lots of love from.me. PS.you don't need to worry about not knowing who I am.you will when you see me." The expression on Jack's face was a sight to see.his eyes were wide open his jaw was literally touching the ground.Sam, Daniel and Teal'c found this incredibly amusing, all three of them found it hard to contain themselves.Jack quickly pocketed the letter.slammed his locker.completely forgetting to change his shirt.he swiftly left the locker room.Sam pressed stop and turned off the TV.all three of them looked at each other.calming down.  
  
"So what are you up to?" Janet was standing at the door.  
  
"Well, we're playing a bit of a practical joke on the Colonel"  
  
"Oh I see."  
  
"Yeh.well the joke hasn't officially finished yet so.don't say anything and we'll fill you in later" Janet stared at the Major.who still couldn't keep a straight face. "OK Sam.but you have to tell me EVERY detail got it?"  
  
"Got it" Sam took the tape out of the VCR. and left the room followed by Teal'c.see you tonight Daniel.2030 at O'Malley's.and don't forget if he comes to you."  
  
"Persuade him to go. I know." 


	3. The Plan Succeeds

Daniel, Teal'c and Sam were standing outside O'Malley's.Jack was 10 minutes late.  
  
"So when is he gunna get here?" Daniel asked. "I persuaded him to come."  
  
"O'Neill has repeatedly been late for the past few days.he is undoubtedly making his appearance acceptable." sure enough Jack's truck pulled up in the parking lot.Sam, Daniel and Teal'c sat on the floor out of sight. Jack looked around.opened his truck, got out, closed the door and locked it.  
  
"Why am I doing this.stupid Daniel.gunna kill him tomorrow.where is this person anyway." he walked up to the entrance.stood right where the others where sitting but did not notice them.Sam raised her hand and counted down from three with it.as soon as her hand displayed 0 they shouted in unison  
  
"Happy Valentines Day!!" Colonel O'Neill jumped.he turned and saw the three sitting beside him.his face filled half with fury and half with amusement.he fell next to Sam.  
  
"You did this" he said bringing out the letter.Sam's face fell into a cheeky grin.  
  
"Yup" Jack.trying to be calm.spoke softly to them all.  
  
"All of it."  
  
"Yup." he looked at Sam.  
  
"So when you were in.  
  
"Daniel's office we were waiting for you to go to your locker." She flashed the video in front of his face.he tried to snatch it but h was to slow. "We put a small camera in your locker along with the note.  
  
"You wrote the note?" his face still confused.  
  
"Yup."  
  
"So that's why Daniel was trying to persuade me to come."  
  
"He exceeded in persuading you O'Neill.you are in fact here." Teal'c spoke with a grin.  
  
"But.Fraiser."  
  
"She was in on it to Sir.just that she doesn't know the details."  
  
"You know Jack the Tape is REALLY good." Daniel spoke.trying to intimidate him.it worked.he quickly made a grab for the tape but Sam quickly got up and started running off with it.  
  
"Hey Carter!! Bring that back"  
  
"No!! We have to show Janet."  
  
"Over My Dead Body"  
  
"Fine Then"  
  
"Carter I gave you an Order"  
  
"Well.I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You should have come to mine last night.you would know what it means then." Jack looked at Daniel  
  
"Means that she's unwilling to comply with you request."  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"Means 'no'"  
  
"Why didn't you say so." he looked over to Sam who was waving the video in the air.smiled and ran towards her. but she wasn't running, she put the video in her bag and beckoned him closer. He slowed down and started walking closer.Sam started walking towards him.  
  
"So.erm.Carter." he said, as they couldn't move anymore closer  
  
"Shhh." she said softly as she grabbed the top of his shirt.pulled him to eye level and placed her lips on his.  
  
"Carter?" he mumbled, his lips still firmly attached to Sam's.  
  
"Calm down you sexy Colonel.it is Valentines Day after all." she grabbed his chin and pushed her lips harder against his.Daniel stood up to see what they had got up to and saw them together.  
  
"So Teal'c.I see our fun is over.to the SGC?"  
  
"Indeed" They walked to Daniel's car trying not to look in the Colonel's and his 2IC's direction.they got in and drove off back to the SGC leaving Jack and Sam alone.  
  
"So.Jack." they finally broke free of each other  
  
"Daniel kinda brought me over here.so erm.to your house?"  
  
"Why not.erm.Carter?" she turned to look at him, her hand firmly in his.  
  
"Yup"  
  
"All that stuff.erm in the letter."  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"We're not gunna do that are we."  
  
"Of course not.I don't have any chocolate.but I'm sure there's something in your house." she gave him a cheeky grin as she parted from him to get to the other side of the truck.he unlocked it and they both got in.  
  
"How about we keep it more or less clean eh?"  
  
"Sounds good to me." she brought him towards her once more kissed him, and let him go so he could drive.  
  
10 minutes later they got to Jack's house.he quickly opened the door, showed Sam into his room, and went to get some drinks.  
  
"Umm Jack?" he heard Sam shout. "Why are all of your clothes on the floor?"  
  
"Crap!"  
  
The End. Tell me what you thought. I know they prob wouldn't really do this.but it's a bit of fun.. 


End file.
